Is it arrogant to think I could teach anyone anything? Do I think I could teach someone something? No, not really. Do I even have to? How else do we engage others around us? Educate, entertain, inspire–they say one should aim for at least two of the three, though of course all three are preferred. To be able to educate implies you know something others don’t. To be able to inspire implies you live in a way others don’t. To entertain implies you are entertaining, which can come in all forms. The dancing bear entertains just as much as the Shakespearean actor, perhaps more. Videos of people getting punched on YouTube entertain.
I think I’m trying to put the cart before the horse, as I usually do. I’m trying to think of the best way to expel meaning, to make my life meaningful, but I’m thinking of that in terms of other people. How will other people find meaning through my life? So, pandering, in a sense. Even as I type this, I’m thinking, audience. I’m thinking, what and how should I be performing? I’m thinking, I need to edit this paragraph out; I can’t admit to this kind of thinking.
But I want to be transparent. I don’t want to perform perfection.
What I ultimately want to do: Chronicle my journey. More specifically, my journey as I try to integrate, honor all facets of myself, reclaim my power, my anger, my ambition, my intelligence, my desire, my flaws–all the parts of myself I’ve repressed. For what purpose? I’m not sure. For my own history, I suppose. But there’s also the desire, yes, to educate, inspire, and entertain, too. I can’t lie about that. I’m fumbling. I don’t know what to do. I feel disconnected, alone. I imagine there are others out there like me–at least, I’m hoping there are–and so I have to put myself out there to receive (“Her receptivity is active,” said of Inanna in Descent to the Goddess). I have to stop hiding if I want others to find me, and if I want to find them (and if I want to find myself).
The thing about journeys is you can have a final destination in mind, and you might even get there, but you can’t know every part of the trip before you begin. You can’t know every obstacle you will face, every potential to take a wrong turn, every forced detour.
I have a vague place I’d like to reach, as I mentioned above, but will I know I’m there if and when I get there? I can only imagine what that place looks like, and if life experience has taught me anything, it’s that reality rarely matches the imagined. The thing about journeys, especially the inward, the spiritual, journeys, is the path is made by walking. I don’t have a single, whole, map. I have partial maps, guides others have written, advice and warnings, but since no one’s journey is the same, we all have to make our paths by walking them ourselves. So that’s my goal. To write my map as I live it, as I walk that path. Maybe it can help others, maybe not. I have no way of knowing. Maybe I will get to that place I imagine, maybe I won’t. I have no way of knowing.